Things I don’t understand. Like SkyMall.

Remember that time you got SO drunk at Phoenix Sky Harbor airport before a flight to Burbank, that by the time you boarded your plane, not only had you ordered another drink, but you’d also purchased the Bigfoot Yeti Tree Sculpture AND the Litter Kwitter from the SkyMall magazine?

Yeah, me neither!!!

Sure, I can certainly remember getting drunk in an airport.

I can also remember several a flight out of Sky Harbor airport.

But what I will never remember is meeting anyone on this planet who has actually purchased something useful in a SkyMall catalog!

And you know why that is?

Because American’s are people of reason. (Well, with the exception of Bieber. Oh, never mind. He’s Canadian).

For example, anyone who lives in an apartment would have no place to mount a poorly-made resin sculpture resembling a Yeti. In the same way, few people who reside in a big, fancy house want to walk into a bathroom to see their cat taking a big, smelly cat dump in the toilet!

Bottom line (HA! – I said “bottom” right after toilet)…

The majority of the items in the SkyMall magazine are impractical, over-priced and ricockulous (Yes, ri-cock, that’s just like ridiculous but “harder” to understand).

Seriously, you can buy a wooden cane on SkyMall for one hundred and nineteen dollars.

$119? GULP!

In my opinion, anything more than going outside and picking up a stick for free is terribly expensive for a stick!

Are ya with me?

Take this gym, Err, I mean gem, for instance…

FAT-BURNING MINIMIZER SUIT

Let me get this straight? SkyMall is actually charging $5.95 for an Italian shower?

Hahaha! That’s hilarious.

For one dollar and ninety-nine cents, you can buy an entire roll of paper towels and do the exact same thing!

That’s right, with just a little dab of dish soap on a wet paper towel, you’re ready to do the full-body rub down, before church. You don’t need these fancy “no rinse wipes. You can “no rinse” for free!

MOUNTED SQUIRREL HEAD

This squirrel is just super creepy.

Granted, if this were a mounted Kardashian head, I could see the lure.

But as it stands, or hangs in this case, this is another one of those SkyMall chotchkies for which I see zero purpose.

Had you shot this squirrel dead yourself, perhaps that would merit the wall trophy.

But buying a plastic sculpture of a squirrel with overgrown arms and unnaturally pointy ears is really weird to me. I just don’t get it.

I LOVE YOU STONE

Oh, hahahaha! I get it!

Love is “written in stone!” LOL!

Wow, thank goodness it actually has the words “written in stone” etched in the ceramic rock or I’d never be able to put two and two together.

Thanks for thinking for me, SkyMall!

And on a sandblasted rock no less.

Y’all really do think of everything.

Well, except how much it would suck to get a cheesy rock from your loved one!

I guess on the upside, you could say “I got rocks!” and it’d finally be a legitimate expression.

STRAIGHTEN UP POSTURE AID

Stand up straight!!!

Good job, Quasimoto, I just saved you 40 bucks! (You’re welcome!)

Honestly, where does one even wear this? It won’t hide discreetly under your leotard. Oh, what’s that? You’re not a ballerina? Well then, I don’t understand this tight Dippity-Do bun here either.

The best part of the Straighten Up Posture advertisement in the SkyMall magazine is when it notes that this posture corrector is ideal for “video gamers.”

HA! Now THAT’S funny!

You know what’s ideal for video gamers? Actually getting up from off the couch!  That will help your posture immediately! And while you’re at it, go outside and soak up some vitamin D!

Actually, I don’t blame “Gamers” for wanting to find refuge from the sheer mundanity of everyday life in the bosom of a particularly engrossing videogame.

Beats the hell out of the type of people who purchase garden Yeti’s as a hobby. Eeks!

GIORGIO BEVERLY HILLS

The year was 1981…

Giorgio was, yep, PAST-TENSE, WAS a symbol of luxury. It was the fragrance that marinated the scene in the early 80’s.

So, why, oh why, is SkyMall selling this stink-bomb in their magazine in 2014?

After all, this was the same patchouli oil and rose scented perfume that was banned from most restaurants because it was overpowering. (That’s code for IT WREAKS!)

My guess is Giorgio still has warehouses of this crap they’re desperate to get rid of, so why not market it to the gullible idiots who waste their money in SkyMall?

ZOMBIE T-SHIRT

This is a SkyMall EXCLUSIVE! Did you hear me? It’s EXCLUSIVE!

That’s right, get your very own “IF ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS, YOU’RE PROBABLY SAFE,” shirt printed in flaming yellow and oranges with an image of a zombie. Oh, you lucky, lucky duck!

And, while you’re at it, please go ahead and add the “IF YOU SHOP ON SKYMALL, YOU’RE BRAINLESS” shirt to your cart, too! From the looks of it, you’re going to need it.

Sheesh!

LITTER ROBOTS

Frequently away from your favorite feline? Well, fear not, cat lovers!

While it may appear that this contraption transfers Fluffy to Mars, the truth is that this self-cleaning litter box transfers cat dung into a hidden drawer, then refills with the remaining clean litter — all three grains of remaining clean litter.

HA! And a “hidden drawer?” Yeah, nice try. Just because you can’t see the cat sh*t doesn’t mean you can’t smell it.

Come to think of it, I have a 3D portrait of a plastic squirrel that this would go PERFECT beneath! Sign me up!

The only thing I think I’m missing is a cat. And/or an appreciation for cats all together. No me gusta.

Do they make these for dogs? It’d be super if The Judge (my Puggle) could jump up in this sucker and do his business so I no longer have to take him out first thing in the morning. Although, with my luck, he’d go in face-first and just drop his crap out the window, defeating the purpose of the device altogether. Meh, forget it.

Besides, that would mean I’d actually have to purchase something on SkyMall and I’m not nearly drunk enough to do that.

Somebody is obviously buying this stuff considering there’s an entire catalog dedicated to it. Which makes SkyMall the only smart ones in this scenario since they’re profiting from people’s stupidity.

If you have purchased any of these items, I’d love to hear from you. After all,  just because I don’t see the need for an Underwater Pogo Stick doesn’t mean that you don’t.

So, please help a sister out, and help me understand what I don’t understand: SkyMall.