Life takes a great deal of courage and bravery.
Take high school, for example. With my high school reunion a few weeks away (Go Sailors), I’ve been thinking a lot about my “formative years.” And by formative, of course, I mean those years I formed boobs (well, barely), formed hips, formed bad fashion habits and formed my life-long addiction to Del Taco.
What I hadn’t yet formed on that high school campus, however, was a voice, an opinion, or any direction whatsoever for my life. Had my beliefs and ideas been any smaller in my youth, my parachute pants would have swallowed my acid-washed thoughts whole.
The Icing on the Pancake
I wanted so much to be liked, that I remained untethered to opinion or choice. I truly was a crowd pleaser, which made my role as the cheer captain almost laughable. They voted me “Most Spirited,” while in actuality, “Most Indecisive” would have been more fitting.
Life doesn’t always get it right, you know? My senior year in high school, the Activities Director had a pancake breakfast to honor the “student of the quarter.” There, in a private ceremony of adoration, applause, and awards, students were praised with pancakes for a quarter well done. I wasn’t there to see it, however. The school accidentally gifted the carb-cakes to my twin sister.
By the time the administration realized the error of their ways, my life had already unraveled over their singular snafu. It was, it turned out, the icing on my pancake. It pushed me over the edge of Twindom. So tired of living in the shadow of an identical twin had I become back then, that shortly thereafter, I accepted an offer to attend the only university on the planet for which my twin sister had zero interest.
My “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe” mentality meant I knew what I didn’t want rather than what I wanted. And that, my friends, made me a rudderless trollop, uncertain of just where and when my ship might come ashore.
Disasterous Excursions
As I look back now, it would be VERY tempting to sit down with my younger self and provide direction and chart a specific course towards a more tidy and predictable life. (As well as to tell myself NOT to date that jackass when I was 32). But any redirection of that nature would’ve stripped my adulthood of both the disastrous expedition and glorious excursion it has most certainly become.
On my very first day of college, while I was eating a deli sandwich in the student union, I got a call. My step-sister had just died. We were teenagers together, both eighteen years of age, and now melanoma had taken her from us. I couldn’t conceive of it in my naive brain, that this blossoming young life had just been cut off its stem.
This was the day I was introduced to loss…
It was also the day I learned that life isn’t fair. Fair would mean that life would protect good people, like Elyce, and only take the bad people, like any of the Kardashians. But, life doesn’t always get it right. Not everyone gets flapjacks.
More to Lose
I have experienced many a setback and gut-wrenching loss since graduating high school. I’ve lost jobs, a home, a 401K, a boyfriend (plural), a clean bill of health, and my pride. So much loss in fact, that it will fill a book, not just a blog.
But, I’ve gained in losing, too. Hardship has taught me that no matter how much you’ve lost, there is ALWAYS something more to lose.
Always.
Just when you think that you can’t fall off the floor, life is there to remind you that there’s always a gutter you can roll into. The phone will ring, the taillights will fade in the distance, your dream will walk out the front door, or the life support machine will stop. In a matter of minutes, your entire world can change and leave you writhing in incredible and isolating pain.
And if you’re anything like me, and selfishly I pray to God that you are, you’re going to hurt hard on those days when you’ve been flatlined by life. Pain, rejection, loss, and anguish will all be yours at the most unexpected and barren times. You will marinate in sorrow and lose the ability to stand up. You’ll be buckled over in crippling sadness — naked in a closet somewhere, and shoving your face with a bean & cheese burrito. Or, a pancake.
More to Gain
Don’t dwell. Life isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean your state of mind can’t be. A loss of any kind requires that we repurpose a dream that carried joy and hope for us. What’s more, it means we are required to start over in some way. But just as there is always more to lose in this life, there is ALWAYS more to gain.
Always.
Somehow, through counseling, self-help books — preferably by gripping the hand of Jesus — you’ve got to figure out a way to soften the walls of your heart again after the loss, to let love and faith seep back in.
A Place to Rest
There is no doubt that life is a convoluted mess! The waking hours are really tough. But when your life feels groundless, just as mine has in the past, it’s faith that gives us a place to rest our heads at night.
You can have nothing else, but if you have faith, then you have a navigation tool so strong it can power you through the greatest of tragedies and redirect you towards something amazing.
To be clear, I don’t believe that “everything works out in the end.” Everything regroups and redirects.
Things don’t “work out”. Faith just works in.
Faith is a rudder for the soul that allows any of us to “grow” through life, rather than just “go” through life. Redirection is a choice. One new perception, one fresh thought, one act of surrender, one change of heart, one leap of faith — they can change your life forever.
So take a greater risk than you know you can manage. You just might find faith there to give you a place to rest your head. Or, you might find an entire plate of pancakes!
Oh my gosh, you’re back! I hope the silence means you’ve been key-tapping towards a novel? “Take a greater risk than you know you can manage!” It’s time, sister! It’s time.
Touché. Using my own words against me. Brilliant. The book is coming together. Paragraph after deleted paragraph, it will make it someday.
Welcome back❤️O how Ive missed u!❤️
You, my sweets, are one of my biggest literary fans. If you consider this literature, that is.
I know good stuff when I see it❤️
You’re good stuff! xo
I’m calling them Carb Cakes from now on! Thanks for sharing a little of your story. Such good and important reminders here. And I love the way you remind us. Thx.
Well said, Debbie. I love you!
I love you too, Jen. GOBS! xo
Your vulnerability is refreshing! I can’t help but wonder what your take would be on a book I’ve been devouring. It’s called The untethered soul. By Micheal Singer. You can watch an Oprah interview before you decide if you want to read it. Or if you’re like me, you can buy it and put it in the pile of. Oils you ‘will read later’. :). This one stood out! I’ve used it in dealing with my losses lately. Thanks for writing again! 🙂
I’m going to have to get pick that book up. Thanks for the suggestion. Also, thank you for your encouragement of my writing. I always need a nudge… 🙂
Welcome back kiddo!
I hurt that you’ve been hurt, more than anyone deserves it sounds.
I am always impressed with your vulnerability and take on life twists. Keep up the great work!
XO
Greg S.
Thank you, Greg. I appreciate you always cheering me on no matter what I’m going through. xo
I’ve missed reading your blog. So glad you are writing again. Over the years, I’ve come to truly appreciate others ability in the art of writing. Some (like you) have a skill that a lot of us don’t possess. I also love the honesty of your writings. For some reason, we all feel like we have to pretend our lives are perfect and without failure–especially on social media! We are all fallible! We all stumble along life’s journey and it’s okay for us to admit it..
BTW, and speaking of reunion, I always thought you were awesome and amazingly beautiful inside and out. At least that hasn’t changed!
Keep writing please!
I am touched by your comment, Dave. Thank you!!! And I do hope you’ll be at the reunion. Wearing your football jersey. HA!
Lord knows I can’t come close to fitting into any of my uniforms! We are designed to grow. Not stay the same. That’s my justification anyway. I do hope to see you there! 🙂
Thank you! Writing is like water to my soul. I’m often dehydrated but I know what I need to do to get back in balance. xo
I enjoyed reading your honesty but saddened by the reality too. We are here in July and would welcome your visit with Judge. Just bring the crate❤️
When is the reunion? Come visit us
Love, linda
A road trip to Colombia sounds divine! I know Judge would love to dip his paws in the pool. I will text you guys and we’ll make it happen! I love you Aunt Linda. xo
Dude:
I agree that life can be a convoluted mess. But we definitely can lose more..a lot more. As you know, I do a lot of genealogy and I appreciate history. I have a few observations from those studies that may, or may not, help.
First. we live in an extremely wonderful time in human history. If you look at the length of sentient human activity, most of our ancestors’ lives were short, nasty & brutish, punctuated by disease, violence and lots of death. Smallpox, feudal warlords, syphilis, be thankful we’re alive now.
Second, our lives are very short and we all gotta go in the ground someday. Even if what we’re doing day-to-day isn’t monumental, it’s something. Find some joy in the little things. How your desk is set up…The Judge’s tail wags…The smiles you get from strangers as you walk down the street. As those philosopher queens The Be Good Tanyas said, “the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs. ”
And third, there are lots of us who admire you perseverance and moxie. I wouldn’t have bought a piece of your ‘ute if I didn’t.
Fourth, due to my profession, I have seen a lot of people die. One of the common things I hear is that people have regretted not enjoying being with the ones they love. I know you’re far away from family/friends and have felt the draw of the Golden State from time to time. Who do you really love and how can you spend more time with them, near them, because in the end, they are the ones who really matter. If you cannot share your life with the ones you love and who love you, then you’re likely to be going through periods of melancholy. Get closer to the people that make you happy.
So, yes, there are a lot of setbacks in life. And some some of these setbacks seriously suck, like losing your step-sister to cancer. “F*CK CANCER!” btw. But how awesome was your life for those 18 years you had with your step-sister. And how great was it that you were not introduced to loss until you were 18yo.
You and me have so much more to lose than we sometimes realize because we already have so much more than the vast majority of human who have ever walked this Earth ever had. “So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave, and let’s bodyslam this bitch,” errr reunion.
I love that you took the time to write all this, MB. And I concur, we have so much more to lose. I celebrate the victories and breathe in the goodness of my life. If I’m not granted one more day on this planet, I will be grateful for all the days I have been given. Can’t wait to bodyslam in a couple of weeks, my friend!
My dear friend and sister, I’m so touched by your writings! You really have a gift in putting feelings into words so that others can relate (like me!). I look forward to more insightful words and little jabs of humor that your are so good at! Love you girl!
Thank you, Carrie. I’d hug you if I could — and do an 8-count or 10. Miss your face! xo