Camshafted in Texas

 

“This is Texas.  Change your plates or move back,” read the Post-It© note that someone stuck on my side-mirror a few months ago.  “To hell with California,” it continued.

“WAIT, WHAT?  Why didn’t someone tell me much sooner that I am in Texas?  This whole time I just thought I was in Riverside,” I said laughing to my friend with whom I’d just had lunch.

“No really,” I continued, “What a lovely southern sentiment to be greeted with after chowing down ~ and on Texas BBQ no less!”

“Wow” he responded.  “I can’t believe someone took the time to retrieve paper, then a pen, to write down an angry message like that in the first place.”

“Seriously, they’re reacting as though I was just got caught driving a white Ford Bronco and waiving at the news helicopters overhead…?”

We both laughed.

What the author of my little “Love Note” didn’t know is that I’ve been trying to get Texas plates and a TX driver’s license since the day I first arrived.  Heck, the fact that Texas does not print one’s weight smack-dab in the middle of the driver’s license like body-conscious California does is motivation enough for me to want to saddle up and brand myself a Texan.  Giddy-up!

Problem is, my 2007 German car keeps failing emissions as a result of a very costly camshaft issue that I’m not currently in a position to fix.  I mean seriously, the car drives just fine.  It’s just that until I fix the camshaft problem, the stupid “Check Engine” light will stay on.  And if the check engine light is on, the car cannot pass emissions.  And if my car can’t pass emissions, well, then I’m cam-shafted and have no choice but to continue driving around Texas with California plates.

AND {pause for dramatic effect} ~ and a Texas Longhorn sticker!!!

Yes, you heard me right.  The day after the “Post-It  Incident,” this Arizona State Sun Devil went out and did the only rational thing she could think of doing and bought herself a Texas Longhorn decal to stick on the back window.  BRILIIANT!  Brilliant I tell you.

No, I’m not a UT fan.

I’m a fan of survival.

And it’s amazing what happens in Austin, Texas when you put a Longhorn sticker on your California-branded vehicle.  Suddenly, instead of not letting you merge into a lane, drivers toss out a friendly smile and wave you over.  Now rather than flip you off, like you’ve grown accustomed, driver’s now wink and ask you out for brisket.  It’s astonishing.

Well, at least it was astonishing until today.

You see, today my name almost became a traffic fatality verb, as in “Look out honey, you almost Debbie-Smithed that guy!

There I was, minding my own business as I drove my German deluxe duct-taped beauty down the dusty roads of Texas.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, this Texas cowboy saddles up next to me in his over-sized, gun-racked rig trying to get my attention.   Just as I began to roll down my window, the old geezer races in front of me, slams on his breaks and flips me the bird in his rear-view window.

“Wha?  What the hell is wrong with you, mister?” I shouted, in the most lady-like way possible, as I curtsied from my seat and tipped my lace bonnet.

“Seriously? What the hell is your problem?” I said as though he could hear me through my bug-encrusted windshield.

Just then he darts back over into the lane next to me and begins shouting obscenities at me ~  the likes of which this southern (California) girl has seldom heard.

“Go the F*&# back to California!  Texas doesn’t want all y’all Gawd Damn Mother F*&#ing Californians here!  You hear me now?  I hope a tsunami kills every person in California  ~You hear?? ”

And then the angry and mean asshat of a man sped off.  {And presumably had himself a gawd damn mthrfckng Texas-sized heart attack!}

What the crap?  It’s not like I’m Britney Spears and I’m letting my infant steer!!!

Why so much anger over California?  It’s not a bad place.  Hell, earthquakes are like nature’s free roller coaster and the Mudslide Home Relocation program is the best in the country!

But instead of “wash me,” I’m afraid people are going to start writing “kill me” on the back of my car.   EEKS.

If the UT sticker isn’t enough to smooth out a few pointy personalities hiding beneath the pointy boots, pointy guns and pointy electric chairs of some people in Texas, I’m not sure what will.  Hell, Texas contains several million unpopulated square miles in which to hide a body, I best be gettin’ to fixin’ my vehicle before I’m permanently camshafted and my body taken out to pasture, y’all!