My stylist is always telling me that I’m a “Spring.” That’s super! Until, of course, the warm tones in my cheeks begin to draw unnecessary attention to the chartreuse in my bruised and scabbed eyelid that’s now hiding behind an eye patch.
Yes. You heard me right (or left in this case). I’m wearing an eye patch. ARRRRRRRGH!
It was 5:30AM yesterday morning when the “incident” occurred. The Judge, that’s my Puggle, decided to make a ruling on my face!
He thought I was playing when I’d motioned for him to lie back down at the end of the bed so I could go back to dreaming in 20/10 vision.
He wasn’t having it. Instead, he circled back around and pounced on my delicate face, slicing straight through my left eyelid with a flourish of his hook. It wasn’t until I felt blood running down my warm, Spring cheeks that I realized he’d gouged my eyelid.
Naturally, the next thing I did was to grab a grapefruit from the mini-fridge in my Easy Bake oven-sized kitchen and use it to slow the swelling.
Pirates don’t use ice.
Then, I hobbled on my whitewashed peg leg over to the couch and downed a bottle of rum while a parrot napped on my shoulder.
(Side note: A parrot on the shoulder draws the eye away from the waistline, imparting a slimming effect on your wardrobe ensemble – even when naked).
When the blood refused to cease, I knew this wasn’t your everyday injury.
I considered getting dressed in an outlandishly inappropriate costume and acting like it was a big, huge dramatic deal so the folks at ER might mistake me for Johnny Depp. But I refrained (and opted to make it a big deal on FB instead).
Soon I found myself unintentionally winking at an AaarrN (ha!) in the ER where they glued my eyelid back together and quickly sent me back out the door to my ship with two prescriptions and an eye patch.
I had hoped for some grog, a musket and a dagger but settled instead for my new facial scar and a sudden lust for blood and danger.
Ironically, just the day before this all took place, I was on a train with standing room only. At one point along the bumpy commute, my friend lost her balance and elbowed me in the lip. Seconds later, my hair got caught in the underarm of a passer-by yanking out a wad of my goldilocks.
A gentleman watching this all take place laughed and said, “I’m not sure what your real name is, but from here on out everyone should just call you “PATCHES…”
I am doing research for my college thesis, thanks for your brilliant points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.
– Laura
Very good article I enjoy your website keep up the great blog posts
In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day Debbie sent me her last year’s blog posting. She’s my new favorite funny girl…after Whitney Cummings…sorry Bubbles! The laugh until you cry fun continues after 3 days of ACL with Bubbles and the gang – ya’ll have to meet Debbie!
There is something so terribly wrong with the picture. I enlarged it to get the full-effect of the fat-lip, but that wasn’t it. I think it may be the lack of dredlocks. And if I’m not mistaken, the other eye should probably be bloodshot. What were those E.RRR. employees thinking not to give you an RRRX for a jug of spirits? Poor thing. I hope your scarrrrr heals well.
Bless your heart! I, too, am recovering from a black eye. My toddler stuck his elbow in my eye socket, although I have to say that your Puggle did a more impressive job. Good thing that the pirate look is definitely you! Thanks for the RT! Jenny
“A parrot on the shoulder draws the eye away from the waistline, imparting a slimming effect on your wardrobe ensemble – even when naked” –this is perhaps the most amazingly brilliant thing we’ve heard all week!!!!!!!! Love this story, one for the ages!
{{{{Hugs}}}} it sounds like you may need them. You are so funny and I love the picture 🙂
You poor thing!! I guess it could’ve been worse, right? I mean… you were a few scratches away from losing an eyeball and wearing the patch forever!! I hope it heals okay… xoxo
Hilarious. Totally hilarious.
Nicely done Debbie.
You are killing meeee!!!! kisses!!
I just want to say I am beginner to blogs and really enjoyed this blog site. I’m planning to bookmark your blog post . You certainly have wonderful stories. Many thanks for sharing your blog.
At least you can laugh about it, cause it might actually hurt to cry. Ouch! Stopping by from SITS!
Thanks for stopping by today!
What the pug!?! I’m glad you got a good laugh and a great blog post out of it. You should, however, put a graphic content warning on this one!! I can handle puke and explosive diapers, but I can’t do eyes! Nope, Never!
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Secrets: To Keep or not to Keep
Eeks. Sorry! The graphic warning is a stellar suggestion. At any rate, thanks for stopping by the blog, Rabia.
OUCH!!! As a fellow Spring, I know how much those Winter coloured bruises don’t go with the skin tone. NOT COOL. You looked fabulous in the eye patch though. Way to sport it like a boss!
Oh, no!! Puggles can be crazy! Sorry about the permanent scar… But the eye patch sure is cool!
Nikki recently posted…How to Survive with Newborn Twins and Little Sleep
Ouch, and here my husband says we should get a pug some day. Enjoy your SITS day!
Ana Lynn recently posted…Organized Series: How To Find Decluttering Strategy
Ouch! That looks like it was really sore….but on the plus side, your dawg’s name is awesome! Haha, happy belated SITS day 🙂
Sessa Daily recently posted…Grateful For My Mother