Oh sweet cheeks, look at you just sitting there as deflated as a beach ball in December!  I know, I know.  This whole online dating process just makes you want to choke a baby or slap your own face with a frozen trout, doesn’t it?

And regardless of whether you’re miserable about being single, marginally content with “plunging your own toilet” (wink wink), or totally drunk and just fooling yourself into believing it’s okay to go to bed every “single” night completely and utterly alone, there’s a reason your friends are encouraging you to give this online dating thing a shot.

“Trust them,” your fragile heart whispers. And so you do! After all, you tell yourself, “Lots of  ‘normal’ people meet on the Internet Super Highways and fall in love at warp speeds.”  Hooray!

And who doesn’t want to find love, right?!  Sheesh, it sure as hell beats sitting here on a Saturday night like the sad-sack of beanbag balls that you are, right?  Yes?  Yep-indeeders! And so you give ear to your friends!

Heck, I mean if you’re going to sit here self-loathing in all your douchebaggery, you may as well follow their advice and add to it STARING blankly at a computer screen on a Saturday night, trolling through a bunch of poorly-written online dating profiles whilst using the “Sort by Mullet” or “Blood Relative” filtering options, for gawd sake!  Oh yeah, ‘cause that’s just SO MUCH BETTER!  {sigh}

Pssst! Hey lady bug!  Here’s a hint:  You know why your friends are encouraging you to try online dating? BECAUSE THEY’RE MARRIED.  THAT’S WHY!!! And thus, they are obviously a tad bit disconnected with what’s taking place these days on the “Weinernets.” But trust me, sister!  I know your penis.  Err, pain.  Meeting people is not terribly easy.   But meeting them online?  Welp, sister sledge, that’s just a modge-podge of disaster with a comb-over!  Eeks!

Oh yeah, married friends, us single ladies are  so very “lucky” that when we want to find a man whose hobbies include clipping toenails, working on a Trans-Am and writing New Testament scripture (for example), there’s just the place online!!

Seems what many fail to realize, however, is that most of these “gentlemen” are simply craving some good ole fashioned fresh-outta-high school vagina!!!  God bless the Weinernets!  So much “fertile” soil.  Have rake?  Get ready to ho.

Now, this is not to say that good-hearted, fully-clothed people don’t have online dating profiles.  They most certainly do.  Online dating can actually be a wonderful thing.  If you meet a wonderful person, that is! Until then, there’s no denying that the caliber of the clientele online has taken a considerable downshift (emphasis on down) as of late, it seems.

Let me give you a few examples of said downward shift on dates:

1. Mr. “Wander”ful

Interesting.  He’s not even going to shower or take off his elastic-band sweatpants before he joins you for your date, huh?  Wow, classy.  Well, fair enough.  After a quick couple of squirts of Febreze® to momentarily ward off the stench of his desperation, he’s off to meet you at a Sports Bar. Unfortunately, while the air freshener he marinated in might have masked his pungent body odor, it does nothing to attract women.

He slides into the seat next to you, and slides his hand on your upper thigh.  You push it off, quickly.  He decides to ask you about your day, which is smart because it shows interest in you.   You can see his mind is racing like a cat in heat:  “Hey, look at all this cleavage on our server?”  Jesus, how did I miss all this goodness oozing out of her T-shirt before?  And, my date is a little bit rack-tastic as well!  Well, that’s a pretty….Oh hey, basketball is on all the televisions around this joint.  Look, sports!  Yay for sports!”  Aww, Geezo.

Clearly Mr. ‘Wander’ful has a real problem! Look up: basketball, look down: cleavage. Look up: basketball, look down: cleavage. Look up: basketball, look down: cleavage.   Hmmm, well this is all sorts of awkward.

“You have a nice figure,” he finally mumbles to break the silence, as he places his hand a little further up your thigh this time. Joke, cleavage, witty anecdote about his first day of high school, cleavage, sip of water, cleavage, and so on.  Frankly, he’s got this down to a science.  Stick and move, stick and move.

He’s like the Muhammad Ali of sneaky boob looking.  Like some sort of cleavage watching ninja.  Shoot me!!! HA!

This is so awesome!  You’re on a date with a junior high boy that is ditching his gym class just hoping to get lucky.  You grip his hand, flinging it to so forcefully away from you that you hope you’ve completely snapped in half! And speaking of “half,” you notice it’s half-time and make up an excuse as to why you need to be on your way.

IMMEDIATELY!  Somewhere between his tube socks WITH Tevas, and his drinking stories containing any or all of the phrases “prostitute,” “hand job,” and “sex addiction,” you realize he’s not the man of your dreams.  Not even close.  He’s like a years full of dreams shy. Sorry pal, this date right here is NOT going to go into overtime.  Game over!

2. Sir Mixed-a-Lot

Online, the fella appears marginally presentable (meaning has teeth, both arms, and has not indicated how sweet his 22 inch chrome rims look on that 1973 Ford Pinto).  So you agree to meet for a drink at 6pm.  He sends a text at 6:15 asking if you can push it back to 6:30?  Push it back?  My punctual ass is already warming up the booth pleather!

“No, I’m already here,” you respond.  (Besides, you’ve already started drinking vodka).

“I’m on my way,” he assures you.

Twenty minutes later, you order an appetizer.  When he does finally arrive, he’s exactly one hour late!  You’d hardly noticed. HA! What you couldn’t help but notice, however, is the way he has to push himself off that wall he just walked into to regain his balance in order to continue stammering in your direction.  Gasp!

It appears Mr. Punctuality is also Mr. COMPLETELY HAMMERED! Well isn’t this perfect?!

I love online dating. In a brief dialogue, you discover the loser is drunk because he’d been down at the strip club tossing back brewskies with the fellas in celebration of the fact that he’d just completed his first 8 hours of community service (for his second DUI)?  Really?  Bravo!

Well, done Sir Mix-A lot!  “What happens after you wrap up the full 64 hours,” you wonder.  Will you drink an entire keg over at the Frat House and proceed to plow your vehicle over an entire family of four?   Zero chance you’re going to stick around this douchebag and find out.  You pay your bill, grab your purse, scoop up your self-esteem and kindly excuse yourself from the table.  Good luck, boozie.  Err, I mean buddy!

3. Carnivored

Hooters? HOOTERS!?! Jeebus, how socially awkward are you that you actually thought bringing a girl to Hooters for your first date would be a good idea?

Have you ever met a woman in your real non-online dating life?  And why does this date already feel eerily familiar?

You check under the table to see if he’s wearing sweatpants and ugly sandals.  Why not just take me to a strip club or a massage parlor?

Unlike you, women generally don’t like to eat their meals with a side of “bouncy-bounce.” Real women aren’t like the ones you spend all your time with –in the porn videos!

He can’t resist the urge to tear into the wings like a bobcat. Well done in your hobo-like tendencies.

Oh, did you want to know this date would end?

I sneak out from the restaurant during one of the several times you were mesmerized by a pair of orange hot pants.   Now you’re just the sad bastard eating chicken wings alone at Hooters-who won’t change for the next 20 years.

4. Quad Shot

His fight or flight reflex kicks in with a resounding “flight” and he immediately backs out of the door of the Starbucks, careful not to make eye contact with the girl he recognizes as the person he is supposed to meet.

When he deems it safe, he turns and begins to sprint away toward sweet, sweet freedom.

Unbeknownst to him, she’s watched this all transpire.  She orders a double espresso and a quad-shot of self-esteem to go.  She’s on her way now to the Burn Unit of the closest hospital. OUCH!

5. Cock Blocked

When you created your online dating profile, you optimistically paid the one-time monthly subscription rate.  Sure, most of them offer a one-, three-, and six-month packages.  But, how depressing would it be to have to get the six-month package?  Besides, what if you find your soul mate within a week?

Sadly, it didn’t take long to realize that much of internet dating is a “playground” filled with Cyber Trolls wanting to get to the “next level” (wink wink).

You don’t usually know what you’re dealing with until you reach the “texting” phase of the exchange:

Him:  How’s your day?

Her:  Good, yours?

Him:  Not bad.  But it’d be better if you’d send me a picture.

Her:  What?  I have pictures on my dating profile.

Him:  I know.  But I want one of your kitty.

Her:  You want a picture of my cat?

Him:  Not of your kitty cat — of your pussy.  {she audibly GASPS}

Her:   HELL NO!!

Him:  C’mon.  Please?

Her:  You’ve never even met my face!  You sure as hell are not going to meet my vagina!

Her:  Besides, they call it “bumping uglies” for a reason.

Him:  This isn’t ugly. {As he sends over an unsolicited picture of his penis}

Her:  Oh, dear gawd!  Is that a Tatter-Tot?

Her:  Please DELETE my number.  Immediately!!!

Him: Silence.  {As his number is now blocked} Or “COCK BLOCKED” in this case.  HA!

A variation of this little texting “nugget” happened not once, but three times to me while I was online dating.   And it saddens me to think that because men are requesting pictures with such ease and zero apology, that there is an entire world of women who are actually obliging and texting total strangers photographs of their vaginas?!  Gasp!  I want a PICture, not a DICKture!!!

What are these girls thinking?  Everyone knows that there is not a vagina or penis on earth that is actually photogenic!   And for the love of all things American, please DO NOT send me an unsolicited picture of your penis!  I am not interested in it. God help us!

Honest to God, I’ve seen more unsolicited pictures of peckers as a result of my short time of online dating that I could start an art exhibit.  Fat ones, skinny ones, thick ones, bent ones, hairy ones, bald ones and nearly-non-existent ones!  And it’s just not right! And it doesn’t make a minute of sense!

After all, if I meet a guy in a local establishment, he’s sure as hell not going to whip out his wanker to say “hello!”  At least I hope not!

So, why oh why are men in increased proportions (no pun intended) acting as though it’s totally okay in the online realm to whip out a camera and their dong and make introductions in that way?!  It isn’t!!!

For these five examples given, and many, many more, I’ve completely have logged off of from “Weinernet Dating.”  I just can’t do it anymore!

Therefore, I’m taking it old school.  I’m going to hope to meet a man authentically, organically and face to face. I’m gonna take the high road filled with more dignity and self-esteem and let Internet dating take the psycho path…